Good afternoon, User48490! You have been allotted 7.8 minutes to relax. Congratulations! This guided meditation is designed for serenity and calm—simply follow its instructions to achieve inner peace.

Close your eyes, and close your mouth. Close every orifice you can, and, if you don’t, we’ll know. We know everything.

All closed? Good.

First, let’s do a body scan. Notice where you feel pain. Take nice, deep breaths, and ignore any pain that will not be covered by your insurance. Acceptable areas for pain on the Bronze Plan include: dominant hand, knee joint, and reproductive organ (fertile). Notice where you feel tension. Oh, your lower back? It’s probably nothing. Let’s just move on.

This is a chance to sit and listen to your body (back excluded). Your body will tell you what it needs. It will also tell our patented SelfCare algorithm, connected to your Amazon account. Our algorithm has found that your body previously enjoyed a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew and is likely to enjoy Mountain Dew Code Red or Mountain Dew Baja Blast in the future. Please choose as your mantra the Mountain Dew that is most likely to fix your mental health and chant it near your smartphone.

Since the option “neither” is not consistent with our data, we have added both Mountain Dews to your cart. To remove them from your cart, flare your left nostril twice, then exhale for one full minute.

Thank you for your purchase!

Next, imagine a ball of light at the center of your being, filling you up with warmth and positive energy, like a hot mug of Mountain Dew Baja Blast. But what’s this? Here comes a dark cloud of negativity, threatening to overtake your ball of light. This cloud represents stress, collective bargaining, and a lack of synergy. Summon the forces of team spirit, selflessness, and an ability to hold urine for eight-plus hours to block out that dark cloud and allow the ball of light to swell within you and bathe you in a sense of peace and well-being. Let it expand wider and wider, the way Amazon is expanding everywhere, all the time.

Forever.

Before your mindfulness journey continues, please take a moment to absorb an ad from our sponsors. Blink rapidly eighteen times to skip the ad. Blink rapidly seventeen times to hear the ad twice, and nineteen times to purchase a ManCave™ Combination Cooler and Beverage Dispenser through InstantPay. Just $199.99, plus shipping.

Thank you for your purchase!

Take another deep breath, and prepare for a calming visualization. You are alone, walking slowly through a dark, quiet forest. This is the Amazon—the other one, obviously. The tree one. We haven’t been there, personally, but we’re sure it’s great. Look around you at all the plants and bears or monkeys or whatever. This is nature! Breathe in—Amazon. Breathe out—nature. There’s nothing more natural than Amazon. Wait, that’s good. That’s genius, actually. Where’s Jerry? Jerry, write this down, “There’s nothing more natural than Amazon.” Also, don’t forget to edit this out in post, Jerry, you idiot. You God-damned idiot.

Where were we?

As you walk through the Amazon, try to clear your mind. Thoughts may pop up from time to time—that’s completely normal. Instead of suppressing the thought, simply acknowledge it and let it go, like a passing butterfly or a harassment complaint from someone without a Twitter account. Maybe you’re thinking, What can of beans should I eat for dinner tonight? (Jerry, this is what they eat, right? Or is that just in the movies?) Maybe you’re wondering, Why does Jeff Bezos own fourteen homes and I own zero? Maybe you’re contemplating, Should I try talking to that union rep who’s always hanging around the warehouse? These types of nagging thoughts are what keep you from being fully relaxed. As they come into your mind, acknowledge them—however wacky they may be—and let them go forever, never to be thought about ever again.

To help you keep those annoying, communist thoughts at bay, a pair of ZeroSound™ 4E Noise Cancelling Headphones in Mountain Dew Green has been added to your cart. To remove, shake your head vigorously while also nodding exactly thirty-two times.

Thank you for your purchase!

Your scheduled mental-health session has now ended. Please enjoy a complimentary hug from our Mindfulness Bot, and we’ll see you next week for your totally optional but also extremely mandatory meditation experience.

All purchases final. ♦